December 31, 2008
I need to do a much better job of protecting myself emotionally and I have a difficult decision to make in the coming months. It's been tearing at my heart for the past few months and I need to do something about how I'm feeling and protect myself from this person. It will be hard but I've done it before and survived...
Anyway, happy new year blog friends and to my son...love you papi :)
Click on the title link it is a must read. Here is the first paragraph that made me stop and read on...
If our various child parts are not fully integrated into our adult self, we're likely at times to feel like a child inside an adult's body. We won't be able to feel truly grown up because our basic sense of self hasn't sufficiently evolved into the actual adult we've become. Our chronological age, our body, our mind may all say "adult" . . . but our psyche nonetheless continues to say "child."
December 30, 2008
So, forget this class of medicine now. She also said that going from 100mg to zero is going to throw my emotional state out of whack and well, it did especially last night. I am still feeling shaky emotionally but that should subside soon she said. I didn't mention that my cherry vodka helps too...giggle.
Okay, so I feel better about that but miserable that I'll be alone on new year's eve....miserable. I am finding that as many times as I've said I'd rather be alone, that is so not true. I can't tolerate being alone that is what I learned. It is so quiet around here and I'm left with the "thoughts" in my head. Yeah, it hasn't been fun but I might be able to attribute some of this craziness to going off of lamictal so abruptly.
Now, I am trying to take T's advice about my exam. I need to find someone to study with who can help me with this remaining part. Funny how I talked to p-doc about the rash and now that is settled so I am thinking about my exam again??
Successful people do things that unsuccessful people do not ~ this was last night's quote. I may be paraphrasing but I'll try and hold on to this today. For now, I'm taking a nap...
December 29, 2008
We did talk about my exam and other work stresses it wasn't all lost. But add more guilt from blaming T for the mix-up. I did contact him and tell him I messed it up.
I feel so out of control more so than yesterday. My head hurts still in one spot and when I left his office this rash that I have had on my legs since right before my husband and son left has spread to my arms, chest and face. I'm ready to head the hospital at this point. I just put on a ton of Eucerin cream and I'm waiting for it to take. I stopped taking the Lamictal a few days ago, and don't know if it is still from the Lamictal or stress inside that I can't release.
What now? I see him Wednesday but honestly, this is a topic for two days not one. In the meantime, I will call my p-doc tomorrow. I should have done that today but the rash didn't seem as bad as it is now. I have a feeling I'll be at the hospital tomorrow trying to figure this all out. I hate going there but its either that or I tear my skin off to stop the itching and gain a whole new problem.
My p-doc will emphatically deny that Lamictal is to blame and I'm in no mood to hear that and can't believe thuis is really all stress. Would it come out like this? If so, just more evidence of how I'm feeling...out of control.
December 28, 2008
I've already failed the test two times. I am not a test-taker and never will be. I can't sit here and read this book. I don't learn this way and this is not a reflection on what I know or don't know. If i fail a third time, I'm done and not pursuing this certification any further. It isn't meant to be. I can do my job without this last certification, I've been doing it. This is why I HATED school. I've learned more on the job and in life than I'll ever learn reading a fucking text book.
Its a good thing no one is home right now. All they would see is raging, crying and me taking out my frustrations on myself and objects around me.
I woke up on the wrong side of life today. I hate the way I look. I need to lose a good 35 lbs and can't stand to look at myself anymore. I've never been this heavy, always said I'd die first.
All the women in my family are under a size 10 but not me. I ended up taking after my mom's side of the family as she always points out that my frame is just like her one sister. She is over 200 lbs. She wears it well though and is a beautiful woman. I can't stand to be seen by anyone looking this way. I don't want to leave the house until I've lost all 35 lbs. Every last one!!!
I'm losing it, just losing it...
December 27, 2008
It's Saturday night. No one is around. Everyone is enjoying the holiday break with their loved ones and I'm sitting here watching true crime stories. I tape them; forensic files, Crime 360, cold case files, investigative reports etc. it's enough to make me CRAZY and quite frankly, it's depressing. why am I so into these stories? My mother is to blame! From a young age, she had me reading true crime novels. Stories a young girl should NOT read about rape, murder and chaos. Now as an adult, I wonder about that. I would never let my son or god forbid daughter read that stuff.
I can remember reading a Dean Koontz novel around 16 years of age I should not have read. I wonder why she was so free with me like that? I could ask her but then we'd be on the phone for hours and I don't need it with her tonight.
I should've gone out somewhere. I've gone out alone before, why not now? It's so quiet in this house, it's driving me insane.
Alone on New Years eve...wow. In the prime of my life!! Just me, my cat and Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve... it reminds me of when my former boyfriend left me at his house with his friend's girlfriend when they went out partying all night long with other girls. It was turning 1990. It was the worst night of my life. I didn't have my car so I was trapped at his mom's house with this girl that was nuts... we had a great time though getting high and fantasizing about beating the crap out of both my boyfriend and his friend when they returned.
I did just that too! We still talk today and he says he deserved it and I happily agreed :)
I talked to my husband earlier, after a few of my cherry vodka drinks. I asked him if we could go to a swinger's club some time. He laughed, I said oh c'mon lets just go and see whats up. He didn't say no...see I just can't be alone with my thoughts...I go off the deep end...
December 23, 2008
Whenever T hits on something for me I think about reducing sessions. I've never told him that but I know it. I'm fine talking about what problems others in my life cause for me, but can't seem to face my own truth.
There is no shortage of people in my life blaming me for everything. But, I know I need to face some things about myself that won't be easy. Mainly, what sort of mom and wife I should be versus what I am.
I can't type all of that out but believe me, I am way less than perfect.
I can always tell when my stress level has gone overboard. I usually get an itchy rash somewhere, well its on my legs this time. Its weird because this sort of thing comes and goes. I haven't had one in a long time, I thought maybe I wouldn't anymore.
My legs are so broken out and no matter how much cream I put on them, it isn't helping. This is what avoidance does for me. when will I learn? I'm not sure...
December 22, 2008
I've been spoiled with twice a week sessions for a few months now. This can't go on forever though, I just don't have as much to talk about. T said this about a month ago and my abandonment button went off. Even thinking about reducing pushes that button. I think T would agree with me. He won't say it though because every time he does I spiral...I need to fix that though don't I?
But, what better place to fix that than with my T next session. I already scheduled January out and I could change it or leave it be to work through this. It will be something I need to work through. It can't be that hard to go back to weekly right?? Sure.
This is one of those times I wish I was sitting on the other side of the room. It must be easier over there. After all, we need our T's but it isn't 100% reciprocal. I've read some articles about this and this is a common discussion in therapy. I hate that I have abandonment issues, this isn't fun it hurts badly.
It's just going back to weekly not a big deal...someone tell me that! I remember early on in therapy, there was this one session that about ten minutes after I got there, I said I was doing good and tried to get up and leave. I remember him saying "where are you going" and I said something like I thought we were done. Then I talked about how often do patients see him. He said some weekly, monthly, quarterly etc.
I stayed the whole session and on the way home I had a freak attack. My next appointment was three weeks out and I broke down in tears. I couldn't understand it and was so confused. Why was I getting so upset? I didn't know what was going on with me.
I have a better idea now. He saw it way before I did. I'm lucky that I have him and that he knew what to do. I certainly didn't. Somehow, he reached me and not many people have. I have had about four special mentors in my life. He is at the top of the list.
The others are my aunt who passed a long time ago, Dennis (former boss), and Joan a friend who was brutally murdered and I miss her terrible. There was something in each of them that touched me deeply. I am lucky to have one let alone four people like this in my life.
There is a silent bond, I can't explain it other than to say that they "get" me. An understanding that many do not have. My parents still don't, teachers wrote me off, some bosses (and one recently) screwed me over and my husband is still learning.
There isn't anything that I wouldn't do for any of them. I wanted so badly to help Joan but I was too late. She's gone. I tried to intervene on her behalf when her studio was broken into. I was too late. Its hard to deal with even today. My Aunt, I never got to take care of her like she did for me.
The most painful part of this process is that one day it will end. I don't see that happening for quite awhile though, it's hard enough to go back to weekly... :(
Loss is something I avoid at all costs. That isn't reality though is it? I haven't lost T, I just need to keep remembering that. It's just going back to weekly...again, I'd rather be on the other side of the room. Part of me wants to not even discuss it. Just do it at the end of January. We will both silently know I am just moving to the original schedule...no need for discussion right?
I don't need this button pushed now, especially since my husband and son are leaving after Christmas...
December 21, 2008
I am very sensitive to seeing others bleed or like this child's nose...ick. My husband laughed at me and we talked about it tonight and I started gagging while talking about it...he laughed again "whats wrong with you?" Okay, so I laughed too but what IS wrong with me??
Here are some others: escalators (fear), heights (fear), crowds (get majorly irritated and angry), bugs of all kinds (fear). Now, T and I have talked about the escalators and crowds and what we can do for those I guess whever we get to it. I'm in no hurry to be put in the middle of a huge crowd with T looking on...I would be embarrassed if I lost it on someone after they bumped into me for the 100th time.
Bodily fluids and bugs...not sure anything can be done about those. I am sitting here trying to think of when this all started. My mom says escalators and crowds around 2 1/2 years of age. She didn't know about the bodily fluids until I told her and she said bugs she also has a phobia because her step mother used to put them in her bath at night and they were live bugs.
I remember my mom telling me that story when I was a child and thinking how the hell can someone do that to another child? Live bugs in their bath? Sometimes I do feel something for what my mom went through and tonight is one of those times.
She said as for the crowds it was a JC Penneys sale (her memory is ridiculously detailed when she wants it to be) and I was in my stroller. She said this huge crowd of people (probably slighted overstated) was rushing the front door and I screamed so badly she couldn't calm me down. I gripped her neck and wouldn't let go. She had to leave the mall.
I don't remember any of that of course but it makes sense. I'm not sure why I am not afraid of crowds I just get unreasonably angry and irritated. So does my dad...crowds is huge for him too. I remember going to the taste of chicago one time (and I mean only one time). Everyone was carrying around these turkey legs that had I think barbque sauce on them. I swear I thought every person was going to bump into me with them.
I ended up so frustrated and angry that I had to leave the event. all I could see were turkey legs everywhere and strollers. I started sweating, panicking and just left. Again, my husband laughs about the turkey legs...it is kind of funny I guess but not when I am going through it.
What does all of this have in common? Loss of control perhaps? Do these phobias every really go away though? What is really behind them?
It would be nice to enjoy crowds I suppose and my husband would love it if we didn't have to do elevators all the time and avoid the nice and convenient escalators. Oh well, a topic for another day.
So I just read some articles on it...I copied in one of the paragraphs. Is anyone doing this? I'd like to know how it is working. I've never been able to regulate my moods...ever. I am becoming more aware of them and can feel them approaching but they still come and I still go through the peaks and valleys.
I'm also more aware of what happened before the mood sometimes. Most of this awareness has come from therapy and some from things I've read on-line. I can go from content to miserable to angry in a matter of minutes. As my husband points out, one minute I seem content but then one thing happens and I explode. It could be something he said or actually often times it is frustration from whatever I am doing at the moment. Like today, I was cleaning the bathroom and our bedroom. It hadn't been done in awhile. I couldn't stand it anymore.
Our bathroom looks awesome now but my back is hurting badly. This always happens when I clean bathrooms and I have no idea why but after that and vacuuming I can barely move.
Anyway, when I started vacuuming other rooms, there was shit all over the place and I couldn't manuever the vaccum. I just started getting frustrated then throwing things out of my way and then when my husband came home from the store, I flipped on him for how dirty this house is. That turned into an argument about why we can't get someone to come and clean the place once in awhile. We used to have that when I was pregnant but he bitched so much, I canceled it. I just can't do all of this. I struggle with working, spending time with my son, studying, relaxing, running errands.... blah, blah, blah.
Cooking and cleaning take a backseat. I realized today that I just feel like a failure because I am not doing all of these things. I took it out on my husband because I blame him for never cleaning anything and not letting me have someone come to the house. He always takes away other solutions, I have to be the one to do it or as he says "I don't care if you aren't running around cleaning"...well I do. I've never lived this way and I hate it. So, I need to do more of it.
I ended up taking a long nap with my son and the mood passed. How does mindfulness help with what happened today?
Here is the paragraph:
When we become aware of our pain and old wounds, it is not uncommon for insecurities and/or feelings of grief, fear and guilt to arise. This is when a trained psychotherapist can help by providing us with support, validation and acknowledgment. We learn new ways to cope and develop a keen awareness of alternate perspectives and new ways to respond to feelings. Although mindfulness skills are born out of a spiritual realm, it is now popular in psychotherapy practices because it works!
Clients who regularly practice mindfulness skills are better able to regulate their emotional states, prevent relapses, and can tolerate stress and solve problems more easily. For the women who want to turn back the clock, I offer these words of wisdom from Carl Rogers, "The curious paradox is that when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can change."
December 19, 2008
It would make everything I have gone through in my past worth it, 100%. And some funny quotes said to me over the years by my dad, other family members...etc.
December 18, 2008
I haven't been the most pleasant lately not since the theft of my purse. At the end of the session, I remember now he asked if he was seeing me before Christmas...I was too tired to understand at the moment and I still am but I think when I said yes and even on Christmas Eve he said "that's a shame"...I could be imagining this but I don't think so.
I don't know why that would be a shame. My husband and I are finishing Christmas shopping during the day and then I go to my appt. Now I am wondering if he wants me not to come or maybe he's burned out. Both my sessions this week couldn't have been easy on him, I've been negative and paranoid...
I tried to talk about some funnier subjects last night but he kept changing the subject. What I was talking about meant something to me, remembering happier times, but I could tell he wanted to talk about other stuff like my job etc.
I am sitting here thinking that if I don't go back to weekly on my own, he'll probably bring it up soon. That I don't want. It sends me into an abandonment nightmare. I don't think he wants to get rid of me but I do think he might be burned out on me. I just sense something. I could be wrong about this but why would it be a shame to see him during my normal time? Should I cancel it? I feel like I am pushing myself on him. I don't always feel this way but I do today.
I shutdown on him near the end of the session. He doesn't understand my fears with what happened not on my level anyway. Of course, he isn't going to join me in my paranoia. He's just so sure that nothing is going to result from this theft. All that personal information taken, house keys, truck key etc. Not just him either, my husband, and my dad...see the pattern here?
My dad hasn't even asked how I'm doing with all of this. He hurried me off the phone the other night. I wear people out plain and simple.
I asked the 8 ball on (my blog) if my T was worn out and wants me to reduce sessions it said "it is decidedly so"...the 8 ball never lies! I'm weird I know. My friends laugh at me with the 8 ball thing. I've relied on the 8 ball since I was a kid. It hasn't been wrong yet...so I guess we'll see soon enough if it is right about this.
I know, I am acting like a 12 year old but sometimes I feel like one...I need to sleep for days, wish I could.
December 17, 2008
I got a promotion but can't seem to enjoy it. My marriage is up and down, we have no family here and my husband and son are seeing family the day after Christmas until Jan 2nd. I need to study...so they are giving me time to do that. this is the first christmas my son is old enough to enjoy. He'll have a good time and I'm happy about that. I miss him already he was cute tonight asking me to kiss his boo-boo (that I couldn't see) but I enjoy doing it anyway. he said a boy in his pre-school hit his hand. It took me three tries to find out that he stole the little boy's seat at the yellow table. and the truth shall set him free! I enjoy these stories my son is a riot.
But I get to spend New Year's Eve with the two Three Olive vodka bottles I bought. One is grape and the other is cherry flavored. Just me , my cat Jackie and Dick Clark's American Bandstand.
Great. I often want to be alone but I don't think I should be this time. This is the point where I distract myself with something unhealthy...trying not to do that. I can feel myself sliding emotionally into the "darkness". I'm sure the theft over the weekend is part of it but its something more than I can't explain.
I really need some sleep...it isn't going to happen tonight.
December 16, 2008
My son was sedated for his MRI and the way he fought to stay awake really scared me. He jerked around a little bit and it just gave me a chill. I burst into tears...He should've been laying down when they sedated him and the %$!@#$ nurse didn't know how to do an IV and had to use both of his arms. He was traumatized and so was momma.
Anyway, I just don't get it...we see this Casey Anthony stuff over and over anymore.
This brings to mind an Aerosmith song "Livin' on the Edge" first paragraph:
I don't know what it is
Something's wrong with our eyes
We're seeing things in a different way
And God knows it ain't His
It sure ain't no surprise...
December 12, 2008
December 12, 2008
You don't need people in your life who disappoint you over and over again, so have a talk today with that person who is always all talk and no action. Let them know that you are none too pleased with them. You have given them one more chance a million times, and they haven't changed. They need to know that you aren't afraid to cut them loose from your life. This is not a threat or ultimatum, it's an honest way to communicate your expectations.
I haven't slept for more than two-three hours all week...my mind doesn't shut off. Then I have other times I can't get out of bed and can sleep. Peaks and valleys...always.
I need a new brain and a new body...any ideas?
December 9, 2008
I hate the dreary weather today;
I'm tired of being tired;
I feel sick; and want to go home;
I'm bored in this training class;
Just want to color these mandalas;
Don't want to go to Thursday's work meeting.
My son and all that he is;
My husband who apologized last night;
My T session last night, very insightful;
The sun will come out tomorrow;
My blog friends!!!!!!!
December 4, 2008
What we take to be true is what we believe.
What we believe is based upon our perceptions.
What we perceive depends upon what we look for.
What we look for depends upon what we think.
What we think depends upon what we perceive.
What we perceive determines what we believe.
What we believe determines what we take to be true.
What we take to be true is our reality.
--from The Dancing Wu Li Masters, Gary Zukav
Mostly all variations of purple, pink and blues. I am going to try black/white too. Very vintage.
As for the music tracks on my profile, they are so diverse but each one represents a different time in my life. A certain person, event, family experiences, and most of all, how I was feeling about me at a particular moment.
Pink Floyd - basically when my friends and I sat around smoking pot...nice eh? Then there is Eric Clapton's song, the title says it all there so I'll leave that alone.
Heart - I often feel like some of these songs I could've written.
Billy Squier - there is a former boyfriend linked to these two songs...hee hee. In fact, he's linked to many of the songs on my profile...we met when we were 14 years old and "dated" briefly. Then got back together at 18 for two years and then many years of off and on and off and on...
Pink - this girl seems to sing from my soul. Even weirder is she went to the same high school as my former boyfriend mentioned above. Very cosmic...
Gun's & Roses - Patience is a big one for me. I don't have any patience really but meaningful to me nonetheless.
Cinderella - One of them I played for a friend last night to try and explain how I thought I might lose him over a recent ripple in our friendship. Of course, minus the references to "baby"...giggle.
AC/DC - Well, why not? I hung out at a biker bar for a few years and thats what they played. I have never met a more down to earth crew as they were...truly. There are too many myths and generalizations about bikers.
I remember walking in to the bar by myself one night, I was 21. I just sat at the bar and said "what's up?" to a group sitting near me. I stuck out for sure but they were impressed that I even entered through the door. I said hey why not?
Katy Perry - I love the Hold/Cold song...it is a lot like Pink's Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely...that's me one or the other!
Kung Fu Fighting - Who doesn't resonate with this song just a little bit? Reminds me of high school days when my best friend and I roamed the halls and got into some scuffles...
Anyway, I'd love to hear your stories...post them!
December 2, 2008
I went off an a good friend last night about something he said. This isn't the first time either. He responded in a way he never has before. I pushed him that far. I couldn't respond in the way I felt inside. I just kept thinking this was the final straw and froze.
Here are the parts of the quote that resonate with me.
have you ever seen someone trying to make a point with their kids, spouse, parents, employee, employer, friend, or even a stranger, only to see the person to whom they are talking pull back or fight back? My friend commented last night that he was just "pushing back" because I mishandled a conversation with him and hurt his feelings. Actually, I didn't just hurt his feelings, I squashed them.
have you noticed that what most people do in this situation is to bear down and try to make the point more forcefully? This, of course, only serves to intensify the fight-or-flight reaction of the other, and a cycle of conflict begins to emerge where one person is bearing down while the other either defends their position, or worse, goes on the attack themselves. Yes, although I wouldn't say my friend "attacked" me. Let's just say I needed to hear his side of things the way it was delivered to me.
The context of this story was about being influential, not injuring when making a point. I prefer to apply it to what happened last night.
It doesn't take much for me to think the worst of something a friend or family member says or doesn't say to me. Just read my posts and you can determine that. It might be one word, a certain tone, something non-verbal or well just plain stupid.
The question now is how do I repair this? Saying I'm sorry isn't enough. I've said it before many times. I want so badly to re-do our conversation and not have thought he was intentionally hurting me. I couldn't handle hearing how hurt he was last night because I caused it. The pain was not just in the words he said but also the obvious pain I could see in his eyes.
There are too voices in me. One of them is right and the other terribly wrong.
December 1, 2008
This happened almost five years ago and since I've been living in various states, I never heard about it. I guess we just assume that old friends will always be around, that life is long and nothing can happen to them. We have this picture in our heads of them living forever.
She married the wrong man. He helped her down a path to death. She left behind three children. She will be missed by many but especially her children and me.
Let that be a lesson to me the next time I think I am too busy to reach out to those I love.
I miss you Tina. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
November 30, 2008
Many lessons learned and the big one is don't count on anyone but yourself. People are not trustworthy, they don't care about anyone but themselves even though they "claim" to love you. They won't be there for you when they promise they will.
Whatever. That is all I can manage to say this morning.
November 26, 2008
Right now, this would be my therapy time. I am freaking out and getting paranoid about this reunion on Saturday night. For those of you in therapy, do you often recall conversations with your T? Replay some of the discussions you have and latch on to certain words they say?
This is what I am doing right now. Normally, I get mad (not for long though) when he says my perceptions are off...not tonight. I need him to be right about this. He usually is right.
I am going to try and hold on to those words and hopefully all will be okay. He won't show up, its just a scare tactic and everything is going to be fine, just fine. T is right about something else. I've never been so scared of anyone ever. Not even my parents when they were mad and out of control.
I've told my dad, "you don't scare me". why can't I say that now with 100% certainty?
Your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. You live in the world of people possibilities. You love people and new experiences. You enjoy the center of attention. You like drama. You have very strong inter-personal skills, and may find yourself in the role of the peacemaker frequently. You are spontaneous and optomistic. You love to have fun. You may become over indulgent on self gratification if not kept in check. You like to entertain and make people happy. Life is a party. However, if you are crossed, you may make a very strong and stubborn judgement against the person who crossed you. Under stress you get overwhelmed with negative thoughts and possibilities. You are practical although hating routine and structure.You have an appreciation for aesthetic beauty and sense for space and function. You are a great team player. You usually like to feel bonded with people and appreciate nature and animals.
My trust has been violated hundreds of times since my earliest memory. My answer long ago was to isolate myself, keep myself in an "altered state", have acquaintances, not friends and trust myself only. It worked for a long time, or so I thought.
I wonder now how many times I was wrong about someone in the past. Someone I may have refused friendship to because I was convinced he or she was not safe. I have it backwards. People who are not safe, I seem to trust and those who try to "prove" to me I can trust them, I find ways not to trust him or her.
See this is why my blog title is therapy BUZZ. This is what goes on in my head...too much!
2 1/2 more days until my reunion. I'm scared of what could happen. There is some evidence that I may be right about someone being there that I absolutely 100% cannot trust. I've created the scenario on my head and I have no idea if it will happen.
Most likely, nothing will happen. This is what I've learned in therapy. I talked to my husband a bit about my fears. He understood some of what I was saying. That was good. Of course, he did say "but its been so many years since this person was a problem"...
I can see his point but then I remember just five years ago running into this person and his wife and daughter at a restaurant. My stomach dropped and I told my then fiance who was there. Another couple was with us and the guy noticed him glaring at me. So, I just said he was an angry ex-boyfriend. Not far from the truth...actually he was a monster but I didn't want to go there.
It felt like forever waiting for our table. I knew it then, nothing has changed. People like him can't change. My husband remembers seeing his reaction and thinking how weird he seemed.
I remember his wife and daughter and how quiet they were, how reserved. That's what he likes... quiet, reserved and obedient. He didn't like outgoing, friendly, flirty, laughing and joking around...being wacky...it was the opposite of him. He tried to break that part of me.
He wasn't successful. That is the part of me that I can share with my T and he laughs and seems to appreciate that I can be wild and wacky at times. He doesn't try to squash that part of me, make me feel bad about it. Not at all. Its nice to be accepted like that.
The one picture in my mind from that day that haunts me was the look of his daughter. A sad look, she never made eye contact with anyone. Her hair was long, straight and her clothes very basic and not flattering. Again, that is what he wants. Same with his wife ther was no make-up, basic clothes and long straight hair. Don't dare cut it or make it look flattering to their faces. God forbid!
That could've been me sitting there looking the way they did...how sad for both of them.
I am so glad I got away even if it took someone from my past to bring me out of it. I'll be grateful to this person forever. He rescued me, just came back after years of not seeing him. He truly was the knight in shining armor. The one many girls hope they will meet but never do.
We didn't end up together but have been in touch for a few years and that is all I need from him. He gave me something more important...my life back.
November 25, 2008
Oh well, I need to sleep, haven't done that in a few days. I just need some sleep and maybe this noise will go away. Will it?
I still don't truly understand yet but I can't allow my thoughts to go back to "he wants to hurt me", "he's mad at me", "he's awful!"...
No, he's been there for almost three years and he is the only one to survive that long! If he didn't care, why would he put himself through all of this? Logical questions.
So my other voice is finally kicking in...I hope she stays this time. I've been in emotional hell.
Her health deteriorates. Now its her colon could explode at any moment killing her within seconds. I may have to fly to Florida as I am her designee for her living will.
It isn't that I want anything to happen to her, but this all started when I was very small. She is the most manipulative person in my life.
Growing up she raged at me every day. She hated me, told me I would be nothing. Threatened to scratch my face up so no man would look at me again. the list goes on and on. She was always "sick"...we had to walk around on eggshells because if we woke her up...that was it. More rage.
She in therapy now, is it helping? I'm not so sure. She has had suicide attempts, is a former cutter (just found this out) I thought her scars were from her abusive step mother and now we find out about the cutting. She manipulates my brother, has three or four men on a string. She lies about everything.
Part of me feels for her and the rest...well...doesn't. It is also my 20 year high school reunion and I'll be seeing my dad. So at the end of her text was "I'd hate to ruin your reunion and your visit with dad"...
Yeah right. that is precisely what she wants to do. She ruined my 10 year reunion. She was in the same building that night at a different event. I asked her to please stay away and do not embarrass me. She did just that. got drunk at her event, crashed mine and started dancing with my friends...
Anybody want a mom??? You can have her!
My poor brother and his girlfriend are flying to see mom on the day I arrive in Pa. this Friday. The bad news is I needed him to go with me at my reunion or at least drive me and my friend. He won't be there now. We'll make do.
The worse news is he will be with my mom until Dec 5th...god love my brother I tell ya. His girlfriend will be texting me a million times I can feel the vibration of my cell now.
November 24, 2008
This is today's journal. A note to self so to speak. Its so hard to be totally open with anyone right? How do I get past one comment that wasn't said harshly but said. Here is what I'd like to say or scream...loudly
How could you cause me so much pain? How could you invalidate what I went through? Why would you do that to me? You say you want me to feel safe and loved by you. Every time I get close to that, something happens.
I don't know what torment looks like, I only know what it feels like. I want to call you right now but I can't. I could end up feeling worse if that is possible. I'm trying to think that you couldn't have possibly meant what I think you meant by your comment. Maybe you were trying to be positive but I just don't see how that is true. You wanted me to think about something and all I can think is that you wanted to hurt me for some reason.
Maybe you are frustrated with me because I changed the subject about where my anger is in all of this. I know that you are not the person who caused my pain from the past but sometimes you say things that make it worse.
I am trying to do what you said, assume your highest motive and know that you would never intentionally hurt me. But how given that comment? How? Someone tell me how to do that? Assume the highest motive after a comment like that.
What do you want from me? Don't you realize that I do want to let you in completely. I am trying. You know more about me than I'm comfortable with, much more.
My heart is broken and I feel all alone again. One comment, just one and I'm broken and would do anything to forget I heard you say that. How will I make it through each day until next Monday?
I had my cell phone in my hand outside in the cold but I couldn't dial. I'm scared to show more vulnerability right now. I'm trying to see another side to this and I can't find a reason why you would say I don't look tormented in my senior photo.
What would show torment? scratches on my face, a miserable look? what????
Logic tells me this wasn't your intent for me to feel this badly...but in my head there is another voice. That voice that tells me I have it right, don't trust you, or anyone and run for the hills. I've been here before with many people, I should be able to handle this, it is familiar. But not from you, I can't handle it.
Damn it, I don't have to prove anything to anyone. I was there, I suffered it all and I feel it every day. My whole life and those around me have been affected. This is why I never told anyone, I never pursued the vicious court system. I can't even handle one comment.
November 23, 2008
then there is my friend who killed himself. a long time ago, I feel responsible. he asked me, if you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it? I told him, and he used it and he was gone. Just like that. Just gone. He had a smile to die for.
I've been living with that for many years. I was hurting too much back then to see that he was reaching out. I wasn't reaching back...I was selfish back then, all tied up in an obsessive relationship. So was Rob, that is what binded us together. It cost him his life being my friend.I'm sorry Rob. So very sorry. I miss you baby.
The Pink Floyd "Hey you" song is for him. Ironically, I know someone else who says "hey you"...it is very strange and reminds me too much of Robbie. I hope this person doesn't end up the way he did.
So here I am up...worrying about everything. My husband and I had a fight on Friday night. Our son apparently acted up at the haircut place. He starting hitting my husband (we're talking a toddler not a teenager)
Anyway, they came home I didn't know any of this yet. Just heard my son crying loudly. It startled me I thought he got hurt.
Long story short my husband was going to put him straight to bed, no dinner or anything. Now, I'm fine putting him to bed if he is acting like that. But no dinner? I wigged out...I just stared at my husband in shock. I said you are not going to feed our 3 year old? are you crazy?? what about his epilepsy medicine? he had forgotten that. Then he said he can survive without dinner. I flipped out more. Take strong medicine on an empty stomach…no way in hell.
Anyway, I put my foot down and said no, he's getting his medicine and dinner and then brush his teeth and off to bed with no movie. My husband's answer was “Oh here we go, mommy to the rescue”. You are god damn right mommy to the rescue. Once our son was fed and in bed, I really let him have it. I have trust issues at times with how my husband deals with our son.
This isn't prison and in fact, in prison they get food. The thought of my child laying in bed hungry turns my stomach.
My husband does feel guilty now and agrees he was over the top. My question to him was what is going on when I am not here? My son does not hit me and act out like that.
I will not keep my son in a bad situation period. This has really been the most awful week and birthday. More than anything, I want to sleep but can't...so I'm typing here.
We just don't agree on discipline and to top it off my husband triggers the hell out of me. I've been scared since Friday. He says this is my issues screaming out at him
Fine, no problem, just feed my son before he goes to bed for acting out. That is all I ask...
November 22, 2008
He doesn't see or feel any pain from me. It comes out at home at night when the only safe place is my walk-in closet. I can cry in there, sit there with the door shut and rock myself and calm down. At night, everything comes out and a martini helps too.
I'm wasting my therapy time, his time...what else is he to do? the work is mine and mine alone. He's said and done so much else for me that deserves to rise above a comment. He wouldn't be that mean, he was telling me something important in his comment.
He's been there consistently for almost 3 years. I'm not the most rewarding client for any T. I'm wound tightly. There is a lock inside of me and I can't find the key.
I had this dream last night. I was standing on the edge of a cliff. T was there looking at me. I screamed that I can show him everything with one step forward. I am afraid of heights, I woke up in a panic in the middle of the night.
What does this dream mean? Why would I jump to get my pain out? one step forward, what else does it mean? I need to dream analysis...
Today is my birthday. I'm in bed...its beautiful out. I've taken my anxiety medicine and I'm going to sleep. I can't think anymore today.
I'm hurting inside badly, especially today. Besides everything else going on, the same thing happens every year on my birthday. The men in my life can't say two words on this day. The men who "love" me and they can't do it. CVS sent me a postcard though, that is something.
The people who remembered? The girls at work who really don't like me. They make life miserable. Gave me two balloons and a gift card, it was very sweet. This girl Linda too that basically stalked me. She sent me a text message.
Is it any wonder why I gravitate to the wrong people? My husband, father, brother, some others I can't mention. My ex-boyfriend, he can't say two simple words? I'm not looking for gifts and cards...just two words. My dad did call, he never said anything though.
I sound like a spoiled brat, but don't most people just want to be considered on their birthday?
How about have a nice holiday? Why do I love anyone? I always acknowledge them, they mean a lot to me, I love them completely.
Some might say well forget them on their birthday. I can't do that. I know how it feels, it hurts.
I need to find a way to release this inner pain. Stop talking about it as if it didn't make a difference. My ex made all the difference in my life with scars and unbearable pain.
Maybe T sees that sex isn't a problem for me. In fact, quite the opposite. Intimacy? Impossible. That I can't do yet. Will I ever be able to? Don't most girls cringe at the thought of sex after going through what I did?
Well there are some things I can't do without alcohol...I feel guilt, shame and humiliation but is it mine to carry around? Isn't it all his? He did that to me, it wasn't me asking for it. I was way too young to understand. Too naive.
That is all for today. I feel sick and am going to sleep. thanks Mile 191 for your kindness.
November 20, 2008
When I first found it, I cried. It made me think of my real "mother". She was my aunt and my saviour. She wasn't my biological aunt because my mom was adopted. She gave me everything a biological mother should give to her child. She held me, loved me, protected me, and is the only person that walked this earth that gave all she had to give to me.
I was too young to understand what she would come to mean to me later. Alzheimer's stole her from me when I was 10 yrs old. I never got to take care of her, hold her and protect her. Both my uncle and my aunt were from a different generation. There is a permanent hole inside of me that will never heal.
I know my cousins feel the same way about my uncle. His last words when he saw a picture of his grandchildren were "how beautiful and precious they are, how lucky I have been to be their grandfather"...he died 10 minutes later. So this poem is for both of them. How lucky I have been to be their niece.
November 19, 2008
I started the session talking about Mr. Sadistic but T had to go and ask where my anger is. My reply was "I don't know, inside somewhere"... I felt the way I always do on this topic. Sick. I didn't want to feel this way right now.
I have such a hard time going over this, I did what I could this week. I can talk easily about anything else, but not this. It is humiliating to talk about it. I could give every disgusting detail but what will that solve? Nothing. I've given the highlights, the summary, I don't cry over it, or get angry so what???
So, I cut T off and went in another direction. I had brought a few year books and wanted to go over something happy and feel happy when I left. At some point, I get to my senior picture and he says "I don't see any torment in your picture". There it was . The comment he was just waiting to slip in before the end tonight.
What exactly does torment look like? So I gave a stupid answer, what else can be done with such a statement? "I hid it I guess"...
Something similar happened before in session months ago. It prevents me from going further with it. Just forget it, it wasn't all that bad, everything is fine now right and I'm not tormented. I'm moving on from this topic for good.
Isn't this part of why most of us blog or talk on message boards with other people like us? who understand? who get it? who don't make these types of comments? If they did, we can just logout.
I told him long ago, if you want to know what he was like, what I dealt with... watch the movie "Karla", you'll never be the same again.
Maybe I just can't do what I am supposed to do emotionally with this. So we left it like that. He couldn't even manage to say have a nice holiday or anything but see ya next time...maybe he will, maybe he won't.
Where is the anger? Directed at him now...
I feel like quitting.
How brazen of him, he knows my friends, family and anyone I love are off limits, no contact! That was the only request I had at the end and I had to go through a lot to get that promise. I had to keep his secrets. I held up my end of it, he didn't. No surprise here.
There were hidden messages in his conversation with her. I know those messages, learned to listen to every word he would choose and the manner in which he said them.
So he knows about the reunion, and he would his cousin graduated with me. Oh, and by the way, he tells her that he lives right nearby we will be.
He asked her "where" I am now, and not "how" I am, this tells me what is in his head. But he never really did care about how I was just where I was, with who, why I didn't ask him first, what in the hell was I thinking not getting his permission...
I talked to my therapist about this recent event (and as much of the past as I can stomach), he asked me what I want to say to him. I didn't have an answer, never thought about it.
Here is what I came up with last night.
You probably won't be at the location of our reunion, you just want me to "think" you might be. I'll just arrange for my brother to take us, stay at the reunion with us (already cleared that with the reunion organizer). My brother is not a little boy you can push around anymore, he can't be manipulated into telling you where I am anymore. He's quite the opposite now actually, come by and see for yourself, and you'll be the one who feels fear, not me.
It angers me and scares me that you were talking so easily to my best friend and so close physically. You know that too. She doesn't know the real "you", the monster behind the mask. I kept your secrets in exchange for their safety.
Now I have no choice but to tell her and her husband about you, thank you for that. Not telling her puts her at risk and I won't allow you a means to communicate with me either.
I guess you are the one who broke the promise now, what should the consequences be for you?
November 16, 2008
"After all the medicines we've tried, or I've tried, it seems like Lamictal, Vyvanse and Ativan are it. Do you think that my symptoms fall on the bipolar spectrum?". The answer?
"Well, we like to put things into little categories (I heard this same answer a year ago) and it's really one brain so it all kind of does the same thing (medicines) and they hit multiple symptoms...
I kind of laughed inside because she really is a sweet woman, definitely needs new material, but very sweet. This seemed to me an innocent question. Not really for diagnosis purposes but for my personal knowledge...
I have heard officially or unofficially: depression, ADD, cyclothymia, OCD (mainly from p-doc), a garden variety of personality "traits", Bipolar II, PTSD and if there are more I can't remember.
There was a time when I couldn't hear any of the above outside of depression/ADD. But looking at the long list above what is worse? One or two big conditions or 7+ conditions?
Does it matter really? The medicines are working now.
From other blogs I read, I am not alone in this. I am curious about it though. If you go to a family doctor they will say "you have diabetes, or heart disease"...
In my case, I don't think it is because she doesn't know, she doesn't want to tell me...I guess??
Part of my confusion is when someone suggests that there is this part of me that I don't think is there, could it be that he or she sees this part in themselves and is handing the label to me? or is this a blindspot I am missing? This came about last night, a big discussion on this topic and I came out of it mad and at the same time, wondering if this could be right.
I know often I think someone is for example acting like a self absorbed Narcissist (dad). I don't think I am wrong about that as he is the most self-absorbed person I know and at the exclusion of his kids and others.
So, I looked up the definition to see if I see myself in there anywhere (see first definition). Maybe I do except the word infatuation and I'm not sure ruthless is the right word either.
Narcissist : person having a behavior which involves infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition
Then there is this definition:
Narcissism : behavior which involve exclusive self-absorption. A degree of narcissism is considered normal, where an individual has a healthy self-regard and realistic aspirations. It is considered pathological behavior when the person tends to harbor an exaggerated sense of his own self-importance and uniqueness. Also called self-love.
On the second definition, I don't see much correlation to me...self-hate is more like it. There are reasons in my head for why I feel this way about myself. Is it me or are these two definitions very different??
Perhaps I had too many grape martinis last night...who knows!
November 10, 2008
I was too embarrassed to read it to him. i know that I would've edited it along the way if I read it. He did say I should have read it so I could have worked through any feelings of shame.
He handled it great one session. I felt good about it but still a bit embarrassed. He didn't seem at all put off, scared or anything and told me he didn't think I was pathological. It wasn't anything that weird.
He said we are in an approach-avoid conflict at some point. I forgot the whole context of that but last night, he seemed withdrawn a bit. I asked him what he thought about all he read now that he had a few days to think it over. I then said I bet you are used to this from patients. He said patients don't disclose as deeply as I do. He did say that he senses that I trust him but there was something different in the tone. Or at least from my view anyway.
That one sentence is totally messing with my mind. It was at the end of the session of course. I feel like I did something wrong and shouldn't have let him read the journal. He said on Monday when I asked him if he knew the depth of my feelings and was waiting for me to realize it myself and he said "some of it yes, other parts no"...
Why did I let him read the darn journal!
Of course, this is all subject to change depending on what is on the blog as time goes on!
I've had quite a few blunders or things I wish I didn't say, and well, what is therapy without weird things happening during the journey? Not much fun in my book!
I've been on other websites and have enjoyed all of the above and more with people embarking on this wild ride...I believe that humor can cure most things so expect that from me on here.Humor is somewhat one of my many defenses employed quite often in the therapy room, but I just like to see the humor in it all at the same time.
The therapeutic "relationship" has both dazed and amazed me. I know many others have felt the same way at one point in the process. For example, transference? Who knew much about that before they started their sessions? And erotic transference? Good lord, what in the world is happening to me and what does a therapist mean when they say it isn't about him or her? Who else is in the room? Ha!
As for topics, I'm no expert, except in my own journey. Although, I have learned quite a bit from the many books, websites, articles I have read, and of course what I learn week after week from my very own captivating therapist.
In short, topics that I can sound somewhat intelligent about such as various personality traits and how they affect what goes on in and out of the therapy room, some core issues for me like abandonment/rejection, idealizing/devauling people in my life, the ups and downs of transference, and of course, the dreaded word my therapist will throw in once in awhile just to drive me even nuttier, "boundaries" meaning between therapist and client.
Then there are the different things I do to relax and clear my mind such as coloring beautiful mandalas and obsessively carrying around and writing in my journal. It beats sending emails and making calls to my therapist to ask what he meant by this or that...
This blog is a work-in-progress, until I get my act together, so keep checking back for updates!
In Memory of"Tash"
When I am in a somber mood,I worry, work, and think.
When I am in a drunken mood,I gamble, play, and drink.
When my moods are overand my time has come to pass,
I hope they bury me upside down
So the world... may kiss my @$%!
I understand part of this, if I am withdrawn in therapy then I guess how could he be connected to me? There isn't anything to connect to...right or could he perhaps try and get me out of being withdrawn...? Off to figure this out!
I took that to mean he doesn't want me to come but once a week. He says no that he is just giving me feedback on something I said. How do I not feel silly now continuing with this schedule?
He feels picked on... I feel lonely... is it me, him or life? I brought up some stuff tonight, I had a plan but somehow it's me feeling guilty now for even trying to talk it out. Isn't this always the case in my relationships...it's me I guess.